I met the most amazing backpacker this weekend. Her stories were unbelievable and I want these stories of my own to tell my grandkids someday. She travelled to Africa on a cargo ship and spent 6 months there cooking on a stove and living with locals. A bout of malaria sent her packing back to switzerland but she went on to be an au pair in France soon after. And now she’s learning English in Malaysia and traveling from country to country in Asia. What a life! If only I can get up and leave.

What would i give to be standing on the edge of the world right now. I want to travel, i want to live, i want to swim, i want to soak up the sun, i want to kiss and hug the people i love multiple times a day, i want to go cycling and be thankful for all that life has in store for me.

I don’t want to be stuck in a room doing homework, i don’t want ‘going out’ to consist of only town and Cityhall. I don’t want to live with trepidation, i want to be able to say ‘fuck you’ and ‘fuck off if you hate me because i’m not bothered by you’ while flipping them the bird because i can be who i want, not what society needs me to be. I don’t want to have to face shitty, stuffy relatives, or act all prim and proper when all i want to do is machine gun all of them who are fake as hell.

Most of all, i’m angry with myself for allowing me to settle into a life of boredom. I’m angry with myself for allowing me to think ‘Yes, this is it. Accept what you’ve got’. I’m angry with myself for allowing other people dictate my life for me. And I’m angry with myself for not having the courage to tell all of them to fuck off.

Had to bite my lip to stop myself from crying a few times this week. Times like this when i ask: ‘is there something inherently wrong with me?’ I’m tired of walking on tightropes. i just want to be who i am, and be loved for that. i don’t want to constantly have to please anybody just because I’m afraid they’ll walk away from me. If that’s what they would do, then i guess, they weren’t such good friends to begin with. Really pricked my heart when i put so much thought into something, only to realize that it was going to happen without me. Friends are of utmost importance to me and it really hurts when you realize maybe, just maybe, you’re not that important to them as you thought you were.

Maybe i don’t blame anybody. I just thought i’m worthy of fighting for, of changing plans for. and maybe i’m just giving myself too much credit. A big fuss isn’t really what i need right now. I thought it’ll heal in a matter of days, but it still shatters my heart when i think about it. Most of the times i wonder: is there somebody who would really have my back when i need them?

This heartbreak might take a little longer to heal.